Caddie Chaos

Tensions are running high at Willow Dunes Country Club, but not because of bunker conditions, greens speeds, or the fact that someone (again) parked a golf cart in the fountain.

No, this week’s drama belongs to none other than Mickey “Mulligan” Callahan, the eternally frazzled, cigarette-dangling-from-his-lip icon who runs the caddie program like a cross between a drill sergeant and a man who’s absolutely done with your nonsense.

And now? He’s issued a new decree from the Caddie Shack that’s got the membership rattled:

“If you’re bad at golf, that’s on you. We’re not reading putts for anyone who averages over 85. It’s just math, pal.”

The No Complaints Mandate

Effective immediately, all caddies under Mickey’s watch have been instructed to stop offering line reads, yardage help, or emotional therapy to members whose scores suggest they should be playing mini golf instead.

Mickey’s reasoning?

“If you’re not sniffin’ a birdie, what the hell do you need a read for? You’re not missin’ by inches—you’re missin’ zip codes.”

Member Meltdowns Ensue

By 9:00 a.m. Monday, the complaints had already begun—ironically, about the new ‘no complaints’ policy.

One member, recently reclassified as a “bag dragger,” reportedly told his caddie,

“I thought this was a full-service club.”

To which the caddie replied,

“This ain’t a spa, champ.”

Caddie Shack Morale? Sky High

Meanwhile, morale at the shack has never been better. Caddies are openly celebrating. Mickey was spotted leaning against his utility cart, lighting his fourth cigarette before 10 a.m., exhaling proudly.

“It’s peaceful out there now,” he said. “Ain’t nobody whining about breaks when they’re putting for double.”

Is This the New Normal?

When asked if the policy was permanent, Mickey grunted,

“Depends. If the average member starts shootin’ 75, we’ll talk. Otherwise, my boys ain’t wasting oxygen on hopeless reads.”

In short:
If you want reading help at Willow Dunes… you better start reading scorecards under par.