Willow Dunes to Host a Posh Pickleball Tournament

Pickleball. The fastest-growing sport in the world. The great equalizer of retirees, weekend warriors, and those who peaked in high school tennis. But at Willow Dunes Country Club, not just anyone can step onto The Sterling Courts for a championship match.

The club has officially announced its Inaugural Willow Dunes Pickleball Invitational, an event that promises unrivaled competition, elite athleticism, and—most importantly—exclusivity.

Because entry is not automatic.

Tryouts are required.

The Selection Process

Unlike other clubs where anyone with a paddle can participate, Willow Dunes maintains a standard. All interested players must undergo a rigorous screening process before earning the privilege of competition.

Phase 1: The On-Court Evaluation

• Footwork analysis (wearing improper footwear is an automatic disqualification)
• Paddle control drills (fumbling your paddle is highly frowned upon)
• The “Composure Under Pressure” test—a simulated tiebreaker while Lord Worthington critiques your backhand from the observation deck

Phase 2: The Prestige Assessment

• A private consultation with a sports psychologist (sponsored by The Serenity Loft) to ensure mental toughness under elite tournament conditions
• An interview with Eleanor Van Pelt, Director of Membership & Gatekeeping Affairs (this will be scored, but you won’t be told how)
• A background check on all previous racquet sports experience to verify credibility

Only those who successfully complete the tryout process will be extended an invitation to compete in the tournament.

The Drama Has Already Begun

The announcement of tryouts has, predictably, caused immediate unrest.

Some members are already lobbying for automatic qualification based on past victories in club tennis events (denied). Others are questioning the need for psychological assessments (also denied).

Meanwhile, a subcommittee has been formed to investigate the legality of allowing non-members to serve as doubles partners, a request that remains in heated debate.

Chip Wexley, when asked whether he’d be trying out, simply exhaled cigar smoke and muttered, “I don’t play sports where people say ‘nice shot’ after you miss.”

The Grand Prize

Aside from bragging rights, the winners will receive:

• An engraved championship paddle, handcrafted from the finest European wood
• A featured plaque in The Sterling Courts Hall of Prestige (which does not currently exist, but will be installed in time for the awards ceremony)
• An exclusive “Winner’s Dinner” at The Gilded Fork, featuring wagyu-infused lobster bisque served in custom pickleball-shaped bowls

The Bottom Line

If you wish to compete, prepare accordingly.
If you fail to qualify, please remain respectful of those who do.

And if you’re not trying out at all, we kindly ask that you refrain from referring to pickleball as “just a backyard game”—it offends those who consider it a sacred sport of skill, endurance, and privilege.

Tryouts begin next Saturday.

Applications must be submitted through The Prestige Outfitters Pro Shop, where applicants are required to purchase a Willow Dunes-branded paddle (non-refundable).