Equipment Manager Declares War on Wobbly Wheels

In a move absolutely no one saw coming—but somehow no one is surprised by—Clive “Wrench” Wadsworth, Willow Dunes’ elusive Equipment Manager & Master of Perceived Productivity, has initiated what he’s calling a “Proactive Cart Performance & Safety Alignment Initiative.”

In layman's terms?
He’s inspecting members’ golf carts. Without warning. And impounding the ones he doesn’t like.

It began last Tuesday, when several carts were mysteriously absent from the lot outside The Founders’ Range. Members assumed perhaps a tournament had drawn down the fleet.

They were wrong.

The carts had been towed. Not stolen. Not borrowed.
Impounded. By Clive.

Clive posted a hand-written notice near the cart barn that read:

“Due to rampant alignment violations, random inspections are now underway.
Carts deemed unsatisfactory will be removed from rotation until further notice.
– Management (me)”

By Thursday, 12 carts were under Clive’s custody, including the personal carts of three Board Members, two former club champions, and one cart previously featured in a local magazine for “most tasteful customization.”

Reasons for impound ranged from “suspected axle fatigue” to “wonky left turn radius” to “vibes seemed off.”

One member was cited for “insufficient polish luster,” though no such requirement exists in the club’s bylaws.

When confronted, Clive simply adjusted his wrench (he always carries one, though no one’s ever seen him use it) and said:

“You want precision on the green, you need precision in your ride. That’s basic physics.”

Most suspect he made that up.

Director of Security Isabella Vaughn has been flooded with complaints, including one from a member whose cart was seized during the backswing of his tee shot on hole 4.

“It was just… gone,” he said. “Like some kind of rogue valet service.”

The Greens Committee has called for an emergency session to address the matter, but Clive has already doubled down, threatening to expand inspections to members’ pull carts, beverage carts, and possibly scooters.

Lord Worthington was last seen walking the course—by foot—while muttering, “This is an outrage.”

Clive, meanwhile, remains proudly stationed in the cart barn, clipboard in hand, casually inspecting tire treads with a penlight.

If you need your cart back, bring bribes. Or possibly a mechanic’s license.